Just thoughts
Sometimes I wonder why I'm still here.
My mind is always working. A machine of thoughts, ideas, lines, theories even... but all get wasted since I don't write any of them. I just let them disappear in the turmoil of my on mind.
People use to say how young I'm, how many time I have to reach all that I wish, desire or dream, but nobody sees what I really am.
Everyone has their masks to defend themselves, protect or hide who they really are.
My mask is a protection one, thick and strong. Is what i like to think it is.
The mask always smile, makes jokes, laughs, hiding what is beneath a broken person, someone always sad and hurt by everything and everyone.
I can't say that nobody saw me shad a tear before because that would be a lie. I do cry. Everyday.
This cry is for something I cannot name or identify even. Is a pain, a huge pain and sadness that come from a place I can't find.
You are so cheerful, they say, you are so kind.
I wish i could be truly that way.
Each day that passes is just a another day, another week, month, year... when I realize nothing has changed, everything is the same.
Worthless, unproductive, useless and those dreams is getting to far away that it can't be seem anymore.
I remember, when I was a child, how naive I was, thinking that at this stage of my life I would be something greater, someone who exactly be useful.
When you get the realization how you disappointed your past self, is devastating.
And the future is no longer important when you accept your faith.
Is hard to keep up the mask when in your mind all you hear is how lonely you are, how disappointed you have being for your family and friends, that you won't make any difference to anyone around you. You are just a burden.
I live with that, accepted that faith. But that still hurts.
I wonder if I could choose to still be alive or just be free on the day I had that chance.
It would be different? Probably.
It sounds selfish, is what people think about the ones who choose to leave.
Is it really selfishness?
Stop with your own sorrow a suffer will eventually make the suffering of your love ones stop too. It will take a little while but it will end.
Next month I will turn 33 years old.
Did I accomplish something? No.
Did I do something I'm proud of? Not even close.
Should I keep trying? I don't know.
The fear of failing is the only certainty I have.
I know I'll fail and another year will be lost.
Is though isn't it? Read someone's so accepting her/his own certainly failure.
The only thing I can say is: You get used to the results and accept that as the only truth.
Why am I publishing this?
Most of the ones who is reading this is certainly thinking is because I need attention. Is all about attention, the seaking of it, the necessity of it.
But is not my case. I assure that.
I just want to share my thoughts before all disappears like the thousands others that got lost.
That is all.
Being lonely is painful. The perspective of dying lonely is even more. But that is my faith there is nothing that can be done about it.
Is just another day of hidden tears under a thick smile mask.
My mind is always working. A machine of thoughts, ideas, lines, theories even... but all get wasted since I don't write any of them. I just let them disappear in the turmoil of my on mind.
People use to say how young I'm, how many time I have to reach all that I wish, desire or dream, but nobody sees what I really am.
Everyone has their masks to defend themselves, protect or hide who they really are.
My mask is a protection one, thick and strong. Is what i like to think it is.
The mask always smile, makes jokes, laughs, hiding what is beneath a broken person, someone always sad and hurt by everything and everyone.
I can't say that nobody saw me shad a tear before because that would be a lie. I do cry. Everyday.
This cry is for something I cannot name or identify even. Is a pain, a huge pain and sadness that come from a place I can't find.
You are so cheerful, they say, you are so kind.
I wish i could be truly that way.
Each day that passes is just a another day, another week, month, year... when I realize nothing has changed, everything is the same.
Worthless, unproductive, useless and those dreams is getting to far away that it can't be seem anymore.
I remember, when I was a child, how naive I was, thinking that at this stage of my life I would be something greater, someone who exactly be useful.
When you get the realization how you disappointed your past self, is devastating.
And the future is no longer important when you accept your faith.
Is hard to keep up the mask when in your mind all you hear is how lonely you are, how disappointed you have being for your family and friends, that you won't make any difference to anyone around you. You are just a burden.
I live with that, accepted that faith. But that still hurts.
I wonder if I could choose to still be alive or just be free on the day I had that chance.
It would be different? Probably.
It sounds selfish, is what people think about the ones who choose to leave.
Is it really selfishness?
Stop with your own sorrow a suffer will eventually make the suffering of your love ones stop too. It will take a little while but it will end.
Next month I will turn 33 years old.
Did I accomplish something? No.
Did I do something I'm proud of? Not even close.
Should I keep trying? I don't know.
The fear of failing is the only certainty I have.
I know I'll fail and another year will be lost.
Is though isn't it? Read someone's so accepting her/his own certainly failure.
The only thing I can say is: You get used to the results and accept that as the only truth.
Why am I publishing this?
Most of the ones who is reading this is certainly thinking is because I need attention. Is all about attention, the seaking of it, the necessity of it.
But is not my case. I assure that.
I just want to share my thoughts before all disappears like the thousands others that got lost.
That is all.
Being lonely is painful. The perspective of dying lonely is even more. But that is my faith there is nothing that can be done about it.
Is just another day of hidden tears under a thick smile mask.
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