Introduction

How do I suppose to start this?

Hi, everyone, I'm Janaina and I've 31 years old at the moment. I already have a shot at youtube before, tried to start a vlog and keep it update but... anyway, I'm good in... a lot of things.
At the moment I'm trying to, I don't know, I run after the time that I lost by the all those years that I lived.
This was supposed to be a script for a YouTube video, but, as you can see... again I failed to do my main plain and ended up just writing about it and really don't care if someone will see it or not. I even recorded the video, but I didn't edited, yay!
I'm a big crazy nerd who do cosplay, love comics, games and collecting stuff (maybe I'm one type of collector, those people they show at Discovery Home&Health's tv show... I don't know...). I'm a 10 years background in the photo edition and graphic design too - both self-taught, working my soul out each year. 
In these years I did a bunch of stuff, I guess. Things that I regret, things that I wish to do... so I'll try to share those things here.
The thing is that anything in this life is easy, well, not to all of the mortal ones. And for me, is being even harder.
Well, at the beginning when I decided to transcribe my thoughts into texts, simply because I feel so damn awkward recording and talking alone in my room, with a shitty camera and audio. For the newcomers here - thank you for coming by the way - I'm Brazilian and, well, English is not a native language here, even is the second, but, either way, I work my brain off to learn it by myself.
At schools here, we have options to pick one foreign language to "study". Here, in my hometown, the options are English, Spanish, and German. But, since I started to study English since I was with 12 years old - at middle school - I decided to keep English instead change it to a different language.
So, a - I guess - four years ago, I thought that use vlog as a ferramenta, I could work my speaking and get in touch with everyone. People around the world and stuff.
Finally, after fighting against my awkwardness and shyness. Now I have more motives to do so, I have students now (they are not only my students, they are my friends). Kind Korean girls who accepted the weirdo that I'm to share my "knowledge" in English and in Portuguese (that really got me by surprise and make really happy that there are people out there who want to learn Portuguese).
I meet them at the app call Tandem is an app to share language knowledge with people around the world. Is really good, I recommend it, is helping me a lot to learn Korean since I have the help of my new and dearest friends. 
My biggest goal right now is shown to the world that someone whose works hard to learn something - a language for example - is as capable them anybody, they only need a leap of faith to show what they can do.

Even with the chance, those amazing girls gave to me, I still struggling day after day, questioning myself about my capacity for learning and teaching.
Being a self-taught person is pretty difficult being taken seriously by others professionals, even with all the years in learning and applying English and the years working with photo edition and graphic design.
After more than 300 applications to jobs around the world and getting none, or few answers positive or negative, today I had a smash mind-blowing answer that ruined my brain and dried my power to fight against the "Big Little Goblin of Depression".
This little creature lives in the mind of every human been in this world. Sometimes they keep in silence or sleeping, don't say anything and ruining their owner lives. But, in my case, is being 6 years that the Goblin woke up, screaming his lungs out the worst words about me in my own ears. Every day, no stop. He and his "army", Anxiety and Panic, are every minute ready to make sure that my positivity still mute, powerless against their strong words.
I thought that I had won the battle against depression and his army, but I was deadly wrong.
Today was an affirmation of that.
After receiving a denying answer about a teaching job that I had applied to teach ESL in China, I collapse.
The representative from the school was a really kind person, explaining their motives for not hiring me - a thing that they didn't need to do. The thing was, is and will always be: I'm not a native English speaker.
That fact ruined my day, my life, my will to keep fighting to conquer this silly dream of mine to live aboard.
I always had a stupid dream of living in Korea and help as many people I can to achieve their will - speak English or Portuguese, live or work overseas, or just have an experience in a foreign country. 
But how can I help anyone if I can't help myself? If just for trying and sending a resume is kind of "offensive" and the schools even look at it and give you a chance of an interview to show that you're indeed capable for help the students.
I really don't understand the thought which none native English speakers are not welcome to apply for a job. We don't have any chance and that is amazingly destructive and hurtful.
I won't keep crying about something that is a fact that won't change. 
And with the posts I'll be doing in here, I hope to meet as much as people I can reach whose share the same feeling.
Feel free to coment and send me your experiences. Everyone is welcome here.
Thanks <3